


All Sorts of Amazing and Stupid

by qmzr



Category: Naruto
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Fix-It, Gen, Humor, I like kcm mode ok?, Like, Post-Fourth Shinobi War, Sort Of, There's gonna be hugs at some point, Time Travel, both narutos are just happy dumbasses, gonna add characters as i go along, kurama and naruto make jabs at each other 24/7 but don't let that deceive you, op naruto, really not here for sasusaku so expect me to break her off that very soon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22431172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qmzr/pseuds/qmzr
Summary: Naruto winds up in the past, probably because of Hashirama cells or magic portals or something. Whatever. The cause isn’t important.The only thing that really matters is that when given a chance to make a change for the better, he’ll reach out and grab at it with whatever he’s got, potential future consequences be damned.(basically your typical sort of time travel fix-it semi-crackfic. Begins during stage 2 of the Chunin exams)
Relationships: Kyuubi | Nine-tails | Kurama & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 38
Kudos: 152





	1. wow, the past

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go again. This isn't going to be a particularly long fic nor is it going to be especially creative, but I hope some of you will enjoy it. 
> 
> I could've sworn I had a lot more to say, but as soon as I sit down to type it out I seem to forget everything? Oh well

Ever since he’d been trapped in the hospital sometime post fourth shinobi war, he had taken a liking to napping just about anywhere but a hospital bed. 

Perhaps that’s why when Naruto woke up in the branches of a tree it wasn’t particularly surprising, though what was more surprising was that Sakura hadn’t hunted him down yet and given him a knock on the head for being such an ‘active’ patient.

Hey, maybe it’s because of how paranoid the doctors were about his new arm. They really didn’t have to trap him in here just because of that.

Naruto sighed, staring at the leaf dappled morning sunlight on his long-term hospital outfit. It wasn’t exactly one of those terrible open backed ones, thankfully, or else he would have really started a riot by now. Orange would’ve been nice but it’d probably look bad to demand something like that right when the doctors and nurses were this busy. He liked standing out, but not like that.

His recently attached prosthetic arm hung lazily in the breeze; it felt so bizarre feeling something through an arm that clearly didn’t feel like it belonged, but his favorite pink-haired medic nin told him he would eventually get used to it.

Really, there wasn’t any good reason he had to stay in the hospital. She mentioned something about “side effects” or “potential rejection,” but seeing as there hadn’t been any changes since it got slapped on, it was probably gonna be fine. Rewrapping the bandages so often was getting rather annoying.

Yawning lazily, he grumbled to no one in particular and rolled off the branch as if it were his bed. “Guess it’s time to get breakfast.” 

His first warning that something was off was that the people in the general vicinity of the hospital courtyard startled, almost as if they were shocked at seeing someone fall out of a tree. It was weird, yes, but not enough to warrant any anything beyond passing confusion. 

However, what did catch his attention was that the building itself. 

Suspiciously, the thing was way too old looking to have been built so recently, with the destruction of the village and whatnot. In fact, he specifically recalled seeing it in this state the last time jiji made him get a checkup, which was… over four years ago.

He shook his head and walked inside. Maybe there were some side effects after all. He should probably get that checked out.

“Hey, do you know where Haruno Sakura is?” he asked the nearest nurse.

The nurse shrugged and gave a polite apology. Naruto stared in shock.

“Sakura. H-a-r-u-n-o. S-a-k-u-r-a,” he spelled. “The best medic nin here?”

“I’m afraid that none of our most highly credentialed staff here go by that name,” he replied in his best customer service voice. “Are you sure she works here?”

Naruto gave him an incredulous look. “You know what? Fine, I’ll go ask the front desk.”

Turns out, none of them had any idea either. Huh. 

_Huh?_

No way. The student of the legendary Tsunade, the best healer in Konoha’s history? The one who took charge of this very hospital during Pain’s attack? This was beyond suspicious.

“Hey, you _do_ know who I am, right?”

“Unfortunately, I can’t recall anybody who looks like you, though hardly anyone around here has blond hair quite as bright as yours,” said the receptionist. “Has anyone ever told you you look like the Yondaime?”

Naruto blinked. That wasn’t the response he was expecting. He prepared to open his mouth and ask even more questions but felt a tug in his stomach area.

Seeing the dull yellowish tint of the water and the darkness surrounding him quickly told him what had happened.

“Kurama! I was just gonna say something,” he complained peevishly.

The Kyuubi’s undulating tails swished around a little bit faster with that statement. **“We have bigger things to worry about, idiot. Haven’t you noticed that something is strange here?”**

“Uh-huh. It’s almost like everyone just forgotten stuff they shouldn’t have.”

**“Leave it to you to make things sound as silly as possible,”** Kurama grunted, though not without some measure of amusement. **“I have talked to some of my siblings and none of them seem to remember what had happened in the past few years.”**

“Not even the juubi?”

**“Not even the juubi.”**

Naruto huffed. “Guess I should try to find someone I know. They might have answers.”

His eyes opened to the sight a nurse by his side, staring at his vitals and taking notes. Promptly, he swung his feet over the bed’s edge. When did he get here?

The nurse turned around at the noise, and have apparently anticipated the question, started explaining. “You suddenly lost consciousness. It was surprising, but there didn’t seem to be any actual issue so you were simply relocated here.

Passing out in the middle of the lobby would definitely be a cause for concern, Naruto noted duly. That was weird, though. He had never done that before the previous times he visited his mindscape. 

“Excuse me, sir, are you listening?”

“Oh sorry, I was just thinking.”

**“Thinking, really? I don’t seem to recall you ever doing that.”**

“Hah? I’ll have you know that I… uh...”

“Sir, are you feeling alright?”

Naruto could feel Kurama grinning like the asshole he was and gave his belly a mental punch. Not that it would do anything. If he could just talk like this then temporarily dragging him under was completely unnecessary.

“Of course I’m alright! Why wouldn’t I be?”

The nurse hid her disbelieving expression and said, “I don’t know, collapsing without warning sure doesn’t mean anything.”

**“Nice, kid.”**

This time, Naruto had the wherewithal to cry his indignation mentally.

“And another thing,” remarked the nurse. “That prosthetic-”

Naruto paused, listening curiously.

“-It’s like nothing the doctors here have ever seen! Where did you get it?”

“...What?” he said, getting more confused by the minute. “I literally got it here. In this Hospital.”

The nurse stared at him harder. “That’s very doubtful. If you did, there would undoubtedly be records of you doing so. I apologise, but whatever this model is, it has not been officially approved and for now, we must detain you until we confirm it is safe for human use.”

He gaped at her.

“Additionally, if deemed safe, we may need you to sign some consent forms as well. This could represent a massive leap in prosthetic technology if all goes well.”

In one fluid motion, she adjusted her glasses and took out a pen tucked behind her ear.

“To begin, what is your name?”

Naruto didn’t want to parrot his confusion again, and instead opted to do exactly that. “I don’t get it. Why’s everyone pretending they don’t know me?”

“That’s… well, it’s awfully bold of you to assume everyone knows your name,” stated the nurse, eyebrows furrowed slightly.

**“Naruto, you should probably leave.”**

_“Huh? Why?”_

**“I think I understand our situation better now. I’ll explain later. Don’t tell them your name.”**

He gave the kyuubi a curt nod, looked at the window, and pointed frantically over the nurse’s shoulder.

“Ah! _What’s that!?”_

The nurse looked behind her, and having seen nothing but a closed door, turned back to see a newly opened window and a now vacated bed. Dashing to the window, she spotted a fast- moving speck disappear behind some buildings.

“Wait, isn’t this is the third floor?” she asked herself.

Elsewhere, a grumpy teen could be seen walking nonchalantly through a shopping district. Nothing better to loose a tail then to go through a crowd. It might not have been a good idea to come here, actually. Why did people keep throwing him weird looks?

**“Look at what you’re wearing, kid. Tell me it doesn’t look strange.”**

Naruto tilted his head. “What are you talking about? I look perfectly - oh.”

Anyone wearing a conspicuously hospital patient-like outfit would definitely stand out like a sore thumb. In fact, seeing from the point of view of a passerby, he’d look quite a bit like some sort of hospital escapee. 

Time to dash, then.

The matter was as simple as slipping into a random alley and darting up onto a roof. Out of sight, out of mind. That sounds like something Shikamaru would probably say and make it sound a lot smarter.

**“I would say to go back to your apartment and change into something more respectable, but that would seem to be impossible.”**

“Are you dissing my fashion choice?” Naruto shouted accusingly.

Kurama gave him a slightly annoyed glance. **“Yes and no, don’t get yourself into a snit, kit.”**

“Hey, that rhymes! I didn’t know you did that on purpose.”

The kyuubi’s ear twitched. **“What on earth prompted you to conceive an assumption like that?”**

“I dunno, you seemed too haughty for that sort of stuff.”

**“We’re getting off topic.”**

“You started it.”

**“You look like you’re talking to yourself in public again.”**

Naruto slapped his hands over his mouth and whipped his head around in an attempt to find any onlookers. Thankfully, there didn’t seem to be any.

“You scared me! Now what were we talking about again?”

With a long suffering sigh, Kurama began explaining. “You know how right after the war, despite many casualties, most were riding the high of the battle’s end, right?”

“Yep.”

**“The general ambient negativity in the air is the same as how it was before all the major destructive conflict you recently faced. It’s at the baseline set for most of your life.”**

“So?”

**“Isn’t it suspicious? The old buildings of your past and how nobody seems to recognize you? All the clues I have seen so far seem to point at a highly improbable conclusion.”**

“That is-?”

**“We’re in the past.”**

Naruto froze, then slipped into his mindscape and walked right up to Kurama. With a comically soothing (and oddly insulting) tone, he patted the giant fox on the nose.

“There, there, just take a nap and it’ll be all right.”

Now it was Kurama’s turn to roar indignantly. **“** **_Are you and idiot? Are you calling me delusional?”_ **

“Hush hush, it’s almost like you’re speaking in bold letters every time you talk,” he replied with the same goofy, unchanged expression.

The ninetails thrashed his tails in agitation. **“This is no time to make jokes! Gather information on what time we’re in! Dismissed!”**

Dropped back into his normal plane of consciousness, he found himself crumpled awkwardly on the roof.

“That’s pretty crazy,” he said. “But I get the feeling you’re probably right. I’m heading to Ichiraku’s!”

If it were possible, Naruto was sure his roommate would have given him a solid whack to the head. He was giving off some _very_ irritated vibes and some appeasement was in order. “I’m just going there to gather some information! Information! People talk stuff at food stands, right?”

No answer. He probably didn’t feel like responding, probably.

Now that his next course of action had been settled, his feet traced their way to Ichiraku’s with ease. He’d never been good at holding a henge for long periods of time, so nabbed a bandana from the stand of a shopkeeper he never liked, tied it around his head, and hoped it would be a good enough disguise for the time being.

Just as he set foot in the restaurant, he reached into his pockets. Ninja headband, check. Pack of tissues, check. A single coin he picked up off the ground, check. Gama-chan…

He emptied out his pockets.

_Gone. Gama-chan wasn’t there._

Damn it! Did he leave it in the future?

Defeatedly, he dragged himself to the nearest seat and slumped down in it, head resting on the counter. An echo of a laugh told him that Kurama’s appetite for his misery had been sated.

“Welcome!”

Naruto turned his head sadly to Teuchi, head still down. “Don’t even bother, I forgot to bring my wallet.”

Well, he came anyway, so he might as well listen to the conversation here. However, that turned out to be mildly useless as most of the patrons were just complaining about their jobs and such. Maybe if he were a bit smarter and could read into things a bit more, it would be more informative, but now, it felt as if he just came here to torture his empty stomach.

Teuchi looked like he was on the verge of handing him a free bowl, but since he wasn’t the unjust scourge of the village and also not a malnourished little kid anymore, his business demeanor was preventing him from actually doing so.

It was then that he felt a slight tap on his shoulder.

He shot up and looked at who it was, and to his surprise, he saw a familiar scarred ninja looking down on him in concern.

“Iruka-sensei?”

The man in question lifted his hand, confusion evident on his face.

“Excuse me, but do I know you?”

**“Good going.”**

“Ah, I… uh-” Naruto stuttered. “Naruto told me about you!”

Iruka’s face immediately lit up. “He did? You’re friends with him?”

“Kinda?”

“Alright, I have to treat you now! What do you want?”

“Uh, a miso ramen?” He would feel bad asking for extra pork while lying to his old teacher, even if his empty stomach was telling him he’d need way more later.

“Got it. Hey! Teuchi, two miso ramen! One with extra pork!”

Naruto started and stared. Iruka had a knowing smile on his face. “I’d know that sort of expression anywhere. You wanted extra, didn’t you?”

Blinking, he grinned right back. Seemed like he got caught. 

“So, what brought you here?” Iruka wasn’t really the type to eat out too often, so seeing the man here without him seemed a bit strange.

“Ah, well I guess I’m just a little worried about him right now.”

“Huh? Why?”

Two bowls of steaming hot ramen were placed right in front of them. He could feel the drool building up and quickly began slurping it up with gusto. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Iruka begin to crack up a bit.

“Ha! Even when I come here I get reminded about him in a completely different way than I expected. You eat just like him!”

Naruto paused over his halfway empty bowl. “I do?” he asked. Did he really not change his eating habits over the years? 

“Yeah,” he replied, watching him polishing off the rest of the ramen.

“I have to say, you look identical to him, just a few years older,” he trailed off, “You even got the whisker marks! It’s almost like-”

Naruto did not like where he was going with this.

“-like you’re a sibling or family member of his.”

He could hear Kurama roaring with belly-deep laughter. Shooting him a mental dirty look, he tried to get back on topic. “Maybe, but why did you say you were worried about him?”

Man, it was weird referring to himself as if they weren’t the same person.

“He’s taking the Chunin Exam right now. It would be odd not to be concerned.”

Naruto placed his bowl down with more force than necessary. “Which part?” he asked.

At the sudden tension, Iruka frowned a bit. “The second part, probably the most dangerous segment.”

“I’m sorry but I gotta go! Right now! Thanks for the meal!”

He got up to leave, but Iruka looked hesitant to let him run off.

“Wait a moment!” he exclaimed, grabbing Naruto’s right forearm. “You haven’t even told me your na-”

_Pop!_

Iruka was just left standing there with all arm and no person, the bandages wrapped around the prosthetic now unraveling into a pile on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to be better at responding to comments on this fic, but no guarantees. Love feedback but I'm not super great at coming up with a good response
> 
> So how did you think it went?


	2. Wuss poppin jimbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything goes a lot better than it does in canon. Only consequence? Sakura's not getting a haircut yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a beta now? It's Arazym btw. The flaws and mistakes that got picked out really make me wonder what the hell my unbeta-ed work looks like. I'm still randomly spotting them occasionally in this chapter despite that too

Man. He really hoped he wasn’t too late. Curse seals would be a damn pain to deal with, especially Sasuke’s ambitious goal. It’d be way better if he never had to. If they were in the Forest of Death now, he might have already gotten-

No, he shouldn’t think like that cause that would probably bring bad luck, and you never wanted to mess with fortune and jinx it. If there was one thing Tsunade taught him, it was that.

He slapped his palms together and shouted.

_“Kurama! Let’s go!”_

* * *

Sasuke would say that he was competent enough to attempt the Chunin exams, but even he had to admit that this crazy freak was probably way out of his league. How the _hell_ was this guy still a genin?

Even an apparently power-boosted Naruto, who had been strong enough to hold back an absolutely enormous snake summon, had been knocked out dead cold in a heartbeat. That made him internally flinch more than he really wanted to admit. 

No way. There was no was he could beat him. He felt Naruto’s anger-fueled jibes ringing around his head, but even still, he stayed frozen, staring in muted disbelief.

A girl’s scream jolted him out of his brief torpor. The voice belonged to Sakura, of course, but it was her distressed, _scolding_ tone more than anything that really caught his attention. Was he really being that much of a coward?

An old but painfully clear memory resurfaced, one with a figure draped in eerie shadows, an unnaturally bright pair red eyes staring directly at him.

You said what, dear brother? Desperately cling to life?

Oh, burn in hell.

A wave of spiteful determination rose and drowned out his inactive hesitance. He gritted his teeth, activated his two tomoe sharingan, and whipped out half the weapons on him. If he wasn’t ready to risk his life here, was there ever going to be a chance that he could kill Itachi? 

He had to fight here and now by himself. Naruto was down for the count and Sakura was in no way powerful or fast enough. Much to his relief, with his sharingan on, managing to trap his assailant was surprisingly simple. A few tricks and he had some wires directly tied onto him. A flash of fire shot across it and the rest was history, and the poor bastard’s face was melting and peeling in what he’d assume was a highly abnormal manner.

“Ah, it was just as I thought,” the sound ninja said, voice low and sibilant. “I want you.”

The hairs on the back of his neck stood up as the man’s uncovered eye, beneath the false peeling skin, fixed itself onto him. He felt his body lock up.

“Who the hell are you!?” he shouted. The demand came out in a pathetic show of forced authority.

The sound nin smiled in an almost grotesque manner. “My name is Orochimaru,” he said, holding up his burning scroll. “If you want to see me again, finish the exam and defeat my trio of henchmen.”

“Why in the world would he _ever_ do that?” snapped Sakura.

Sasuke felt a chill of unease at Orochimaru’s quiet chuckle. Suddenly, he made an unfamiliar tiger-like hand sign and the unease rocketed up to full alarm as his neck shot off to a sheer unnatural length and it was coming _right toward-_

If he didn’t have the sharingan, he doubted he would have seen what happened at all. A glowing blur seemed to have zipped out of nowhere and drop-kicked the snake bastard into next week, and being the most luminous thing within a several mile radius, the mere afterimage seared bright spots in his enhanced vision. Sasuke turned left to see Orochimaru taking a siesta. Also, he was buried waist up in the nearest tree, legs hanging limply high up in the forest canopy.

It was actually a bit sad seeing how easily Orochimaru, the person who had earlier paralyzed him with fear, was taken out of commission within a literal second.

There was little doubt who could be accountable for the deed; a cloaked figure, who partially looked like they were _on fire_ , of all things, lighted down a ways off almost silently.

Was he an enemy? And if he was, he would be a far more deadly opponent than their unconscious assailant earlier.

* * *

**“Despite the impressive entrance, your heart’s racing quite a bit, isn’t it?”**

Naruto could confidently say that he was glad to be facing away from the younger team seven. It definitely was his only saving grace from looking like a random freaked out guy crashing in on a fight. That would’ve been a terrible first impression.

“What is your name?” said a person from behind. Sasuke sounded a lot more wary than he expected, for some reason. In addition, at this point, Sakura had hopped down to rejoin him. She had retrieved past Naruto’s body as well. That was pretty nice, considering he had some empathy and would have appreciated not being pinned to a tree if that were him. Which he was.

He stood up, schooling his expression into something a bit more aloof, then turned his head back to face them. 

_“Hey,”_ he said in the coolest, deepest voice he could.

Kurama immediately began cackling the wheeziest, throaty cackle he had ever heard. He attempted to fire a retort for making fun of him, but just as the first word formed in his mouth, he couldn’t contain it anymore and uncontrollable laughter spilled out.

“Wh-w-why are you- laughing?” Naruto choked out. “You’re making my sides cramp, ‘ttebayo! Stop! Stop, you asshole!”

**“It’s your own fault for trying to be cool, kid,”** replied Kurama, slightly huffing and having mostly recovered from the fit.

Whatever tension was left in the air instantly dissipated. That left the conscious members of the team just observing him from a distance, awkwardly fumbling for something to say next.

“Uh, who are you talking to?” Asked Sakura. 

Oh right, he was saying this out loud, wasn’t he? Might as well try to explain some of it to his past teammates.

“I’m someone you guys know pretty well,” he said, relaxedly folding his arms behind his head. Sasuke was still keeping a solid grip on his kunai in spite of the non threatening gestures Naruto displayed. Honestly, it was pretty unsurprising, but it was kinda funny in an odd way. 

Sasuke fixed his eyes on Naruto’s forehead protector. “We don’t know anyone like you, but you’re a leaf shinobi. How come we’ve never heard about someone as powerful and flashy as you?” he asked, eyes narrowing. 

**“Ha, he called you flashy. What a show off.”**

Naruto retorted internally, “ _This is my ass kicking outfit. You can’t tell me what to do. Anyway, I got a good plan.”_

**“Is your plan to beat them over the head with all the information at once?”**

_“Maybe.”_

**“I’m sure they’ll accept it without issue. Also, I heard that human brains contain many tens of billions of cells. Somehow, they all seem to have transferred to me.”**

_“Isn’t that a little harsh? Can I have some back?”_ pouted Naruto.

“Answer me!” demanded Sasuke. Oh yeah, he wasn’t saying anything out loud, so from their perspective, he’d just been staring at them weirdly for a little too long. It was a fairly understandable response.

“Oh sorry, I was just talking to someone. His name’s Kurama!”

The duo looked on in mounting confusion. “Kurama?” asked Sakura.

“We share a body and we’re friends!” he proclaimed, silly grin and arms akimbo.

Instead of calming down at his cheerful tone, the two actually seemed to tense up and become a bit more concerned. In fact, Sakura placed a palm on her cheek, and keeping her eyes nailed on future Naruto, she whispered, “Oh god, is he crazy? What should we say?”

“Hey! I can hear you!” snapped Naruto.

She furrowed her brows at his raised voice. “And possibly aggressive too,” she added, quieter this time. “Let’s run. You carry Naruto and I’ll try to delay him.”

Oh damn, that was not the response he was expecting. He should probably try something else before something he’d regret happens. “Hey, hey,” he attempted to say placatingly. “I’m not going to attack you or anything. Why would I?”

“You attacked Orochimaru and took out an at least chunin-level, no, possibly a jonin level ninja like it was nothing.” responded Sasuke, in an unbelieving, slightly jeering voice. “Forgive us for being cautious.”

Cautious? If Sasuke was truly being cautious, there was no way he would’ve responded with something so passive aggressive in front of someone way stronger. Maybe he did realize he wasn’t a real threat!

**_“Naruto.”_ **

“Oh yeah! I almost forgot!” maintaining his sunny smile, he threw a mini rasenshuriken to the side, exploding several feet away from Orochimaru. The bastard seemed like he was trying to take advantage of the distraction in order to escape. 

Sakura and Sasuke’s expressions froze in shock, faces briefly covered bathed in the explosion’s light. Of course, Naruto never noticed that, as he was already standing right next to a very unconscious-looking Orochimaru.

“Man, I forgot how slippery you were. No wonder you snuck into the exams so easily. Try that one more time, and you’re gonna get the beating of a lifetime, you creepy old man,” Naruto threatened. That snake bastard might have been out like a light, but maybe the psychological impact would get through to his head somehow. He turned to his past team and they jolted at the attention shift. 

“Actually, you know what guys? Let’s wait for him to wake up.”

“Orochimaru? Why?” Sakura exclaimed.

Naruto’s shoulders slouched and he squinted at her. “What? No, I mean the guy over there,” he said, pointing between them to a heap of orange on the ground. “It’d be easier to say it all at once.”

It was easy to see that they weren’t altogether happy with the answer, but neither tried to overturn his statement, so he counted it as an agreement. He picked up Orochimaru’s body, dragged him over to team seven, and sat down in front of them. 

“It might take a while so we might as well sit down for a bit. You all got a bit of time, right?”

They nodded and sat down. 

The situation made quite the awkward scene in the Forest of Death. The two conscious genin, no, three if they counted future Naruto, sat in a ring. The snake sannin, who experimented on children and was all around a general lowlife, lay limp underneath Naruto with several massive bumps on his head. And last but not least, child Naruto, who had curled into a semi-fetal position between his teammates, was hugging a nearby loose root like it was a pillow. He was drooling and muttering a bit too.

Needless to say, the additional silence made it all the more uncomfortable. 

Wait, did he still have the kyuubi cloak on? That might explain it; he probably didn’t seem that approachable if he looked like he was glowing with chakra. Letting the cloak fade away, he felt his pupils shift back to normal. 

They actually looked even more shocked now. Clearly the sheer similarity between him and past him certainly wasn’t lost on them, seeing them do a double take between the Narutos made it rather obvious. Naruto didn’t bother trying to hold in a belated laugh.

“Y-you…?” sputtered Sasuke, “Look like-”

“Naruto? Yup, I am!”

“But he’s right here and he’s a child! You’re _way_ too old!”

Naruto made a face and muttered, “I’m not that old, dattebayo.”

**“Don’t worry, you’ll always be a brat in my heart,”** rumbled Kurama. Aside from a noncommittal grunt, Naruto ignored him in favor of noticing them twitch at his last statement.

“He said-” started Sakura, pressing a palm to her chest.

“-Datte… bayo?” finished Sasuke, squinting. “Alright, I believe you now. Nobody says that as naturally as Naruto does.”

Yes! They believed him! _But why did that have to be the reason?_

“Also, what happened to your arm?” he added. Naruto’s cheering stopped right in its tracks.

He sweated a bit and replied evasively. “Uhh, that’s a really long story. I’ll probably tell you later.”

“Probably?” repeated Sakura as she shot him a doubtful stare. “Isn’t that code for I don’t want to talk about it? Also, the Naruto I know probably would be bragging about battle scars instead of dancing around it.”

“Oh look a squirrel!” he deflected. “Isn’t it really cute?”

“Naruto…” Sasuke trailed off, observing the squirrel. Tomoe suddenly spiraled into existence on his eyes. “Wait. There’s an explosive tag stuck on it.”

**“I sense malicious intent over there. You should probably go take care of that.”** Kurama gestured his head vaguely in the direction of some higher up branches.

The sound village’s Team Dosu never stood a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said 'hell' a lot more than I initially intended. Also, don't expect the next chapter to come out nearly as fast as this one did since now I gotta do stuff


	3. Do you guys read the chapter titles by the way?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto does some explaining, Sakura muses, and a newcomer shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning, warning. No beta since we moved out of the dorms (covid19) and I don't feel like pestering her rn. Chapter's a tad shorter than usual but still packed, so don't worry too much

The characteristic noise of shadow clone creation filled the air as one of Naruto’s clones appeared in a puff of smoke. They gotta tell the proctors they’d caught Orochimaru, after all. Now it was neither his nor Sasuke’s business and they’d never have to see the bastard again. Ever.

A flutter of pale hospital clothing was all he saw as his clone dashed off vaguely in the direction of the nearest cluster of jounin, probably the ones in charge of this section of the exams.

Turning to a still mildly disturbed team 7, Naruto smiled as he watched his past self bearily shake off the dregs of sleep. Evidently the commotion of the fight had woken him. The groggy moment was quickly quashed as past him comically shot ramrod straight on his feet, head whipping around for a second before his eyes landed on Orochimaru, currently acting as present (future?) him’s seat cushion.

“Ah! What the hell?” child Naruto cried, aiming a pointer finger at Orochimaru’s face-down body. “What happened when I got knocked out? Who the heck are you, dattebayo?” he added, now pointing squarely at his future self’s face. “You’d look pretty cool if you weren’t wearing that hospital stuff though.”

Sakura snorted. Sasuke gave a sarcastic “hn.”

Future Naruto just grinned and pressed a thumb against his chest. “That’s good, cos’ I’m you!”

“...are you crazy or something?” he asked, eyes squinted.

Sighing, Sakura side-eyed future Naruto as she answered, “No, probably not. He’s too much like you. Now, Naruto-” she turned to future him.

“Hey, but you can’t call him that, my name’s Naruto!” past him shouted petulantly. “The one and only, even if there’s two of me!”

“I know, but - ugh… maybe a nickname for one of you? Here, you be Naru or To or something,” she said.

“Huh? No way, no way! That’s just my name split into bits, ‘ttebayo!”

Sakura did have a point, though. Using the same name between them would be annoyingly confusing, but his teammates calling him Uzumaki would just feel plain weird.

“If we call him Naru, that would probably still be bad since the beginnings of our names are still the same. To, then?” future Naruto commented. He knew full well that it would get rejected.

“Way too short.”

“What about Toto? That’s a bit too cute of a name for you, though,” suggested Sakura.

“Cute? I’m not cute!” kid Naruto pouted.

Apparently they had taken too long for Sasuke’s patience, as he butted in. “If Toto doesn’t work, then you can just be Totoro or something.”

“No way, asshole! I’m not taking names from you!”

Sasuke ignored his loud indignation and turned toward future Naruto. “Are you going to talk or not?” he exclaimed with barely concealed impatience. “Why are you here? How did you travel back in time? How are you so strong?”

Naruto’s amusement grew with every demand spilling out of his mouth. This Sasuke was way more talkative than his future self, but maybe that was because he had a lot of questions.

“Well, a lot of crazy stuff happened, and when i say _a lot_ , I mean it.”

“We just saw you take out a jounin-level and then another whole team like they were ants. I think we can handle it,” asserted Sasuke, perhaps without as much foresight as he could have.

An uncontrollable laugh bubbled in Naruto’s throat. Before long, he had rolled backwards onto the ground, clutching his sides. By the time he regained his bearings, he had accidently kicked Orochimaru’s body a good number of times more than he should have. 

“You guys have no idea, I promise. Take the craziest thing you can think of and triple that. Madera got resurrected and that isn’t even the worst part.”

“ _Madera?”_ Sasuke unabashedly gaped.

“Okay then, now that you’ve all got a better view, let’s start!”

* * *

To say that Sakura’s head was spinning was quite the understatement. Neither the scale of the situation of the future nor Naruto’s meandering, distracted method of explaining things made for easily digestible news. 

And still… despite the massive battles and high stakes Naruto had described, or perhaps because of it, she could only really think about how much she had fallen behind the powerhouses she called teammates. She could feel her heart drum with an odd intensity when he mentioned how her terrifying fists could smash through boulders, yet she was only mentioned here and there during the fourth shinobi war aside from just landing a punch on Kaguya’s head.

Oh yeah, he mentioned there would be another shinobi war, which sounded like it would be terrible. Oh god.

Sure, she was apparently going to be a healer and was a part of support, but her mentor was a combat medic nin and a kage! She couldn’t help but feel… something wrong.

Back on the bridge, while everyone was fighting, the only thing she really did was stand there as people died in front of her. What she felt now wasn’t nearly as strong what she felt then, but it was similar enough to shake her a bit. When she brought some of her concerns up, Naruto just looked at her oddly and said she could just be “the super best medic to make up for it” or something, but it still didn’t sit quite right with her.

She jokingly called future Naruto and Sasuke monsters, but for some reason, she felt strangely left out.

Turning toward Sasuke, she noted his incredibly pensive expression, the strongest one she’d ever seen on him, which, to be honest, was completely understandable. He shouted with fervent disbelief when Naruto initially suggested that Itachi wasn’t quite the slaughtering madman that had defined the rest of Sasuke’s life post-massacre.

Naruto himself didn’t seem rather approving of Itachi’s methods, but ironically enough, had no problem defending him when the wrong accusations were thrown. He even recommended Sasuke to redirect his anger at someone named Danzo.

On her other side, she watched Toto (yes, she was sticking to that name) as he rocked about and jittered in place. Initially, he reacted badly when Naruto spilled about the kyuubi in his gut. It actually felt surprisingly awful seeing the happy idiot deflate and flick his eyes unsubtly between Sasuke and her, nervously anticipating their reaction.

Sasuke blinked some mild surprise out of his eyes and gave a noncommittal grunt. She just gave him a gentler than normal ‘love tap’ and told him that he was still the same moron he’d always been.

She pretended not to notice his expression light up.

Also, during some parts, Toto seemed way over the moon. News of him learning a cool move would do that to him. The deeper parts of Naruto’s story, however, were far more difficult to absorb. His brain just didn’t really take it all in at times, and honestly she was having some trouble too.

“Pain was really messed up for doing that! That’s still not an excuse for destroying Konoha!” he declared.

“Yeah, I know,” Naruto replied with an unusual weight to his voice. “But he brought up some real questions that I still need to find the answers to.”

Naruto? Thinking philosophy?

All in all, this was probably going to be the most confusing day of the Chunin exams.

* * *

This all was probably really confusing to them, Naruto thought. 

He himself still had trouble understanding a lot of it and wished someone better than him at explaining was here, but he’s all they have. Well, the least that could be stopped was Orochimaru’s invasion of Konoha, and Jiji would live! But then, they wouldn’t need a mission to get Tsunade back to the village, so they’d just have to go out themselves.

This was way too much to think about, so he might as well cross that bridge when he got to it. It’d all turn out alright, probably. Naruto had more to think about aside from that right now though. 

He felt more than heard a quickly approaching, very distinct and unforgettable presence.

Right after he could visualize the green spandex and bowl cut, Rock Lee was on scene and introducing himself with a passion before Naruto could even call out a greeting.

“Never fear, for it is I, the Green Beast of Konoha!”

A grin creeped up his face. That energy and spirit was contagious. “Hi there, bushy brows! Didn’t expect to see you here.”

The nickname flew over his head as he straightened his pose and turned to Naruto. “I see my reputation precedes me!” Rock Lee did a double take as a realization hit. “Forgive me for asking, but why might you be here? I did not see any examinees that looked like you.”

Raising his hand to scratch his head, Naruto smiled. “That’s because I’m not one, dattebayo. I just came to catch this guy,” he said, pointing at the creep below him. “I did help them take out some sound nin team, though.”

“Please refrain from doing so, this is supposed to be a chunin exam between us genin.” said Rock Lee.

“Well, Orochimaru isn’t. I’m gonna hand him over to whoever’s in charge and that’d be the end of it.”

He nodded approvingly. “It is all good here, then? I shall be taking my leave now.”

Rock Lee turned to make his exit, and suddenly, Naruto got a very, very terrible, amazing idea.

Oh man, if Might Guy could take on ten tails Madara with his eight gates, how scary could Sakura become if she could open even one or two gates, and combine it with the hundred healings jutsu _and_ her punches?

He shuddered, but for some reason, the wave of fear felt stronger than it should have. 

Whipping his head to the left, he saw his clone emerge from the shadows, sweating profusely with a senbon at his throat. Naruto took a step closer and saw something that made his fight or flight response activate.

Anko was holding a knife to clone him’s neck. And with that intense look in her eye, she looked like she really wanted answers.

“I’m really sorry, boss, but she made me tell her about Orochimaru.”

**“Run, kit,”** Kurama suggested lightly. Unfortunately, it seemed a bit too late for that.

In the blink of an eye, some excessively long snakes shot out from Anko’s sleeve and wrapped around him like a bunch of smooth, heavy ropes. He toppled to the ground and saw Orochimaru getting the same treatment, momentarily giving him the gall to form a slight grin before jerked upward. Oh man, this was gonna be a terrible way to be introduced to everyone in the past.

Naruto felt the snakes reel him right up to Anko until they were face to face. She had a peppy smile plastered on.

“Kid, you got a lot of explaining to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should... I actually stick with the name totoro? I kinda want to man. Also, if sakura could actually combine the eight gates with her hundred healings jutsu she just might be nigh unstoppable. the rapid regeneration would cancel out massive damage the gates cause to the body and she'd end up with a net gain, disregarding the whole "shortens the user's life" thing.
> 
> Guess what I'm planning with her now?


End file.
